Jaded.

Hi! How is everyone? It has been about 6 months since my last update…

A lot happened the past 6 months but no, being pregnant is not one of them. I am still kind of sad about it but for some reason, “this” is all starting to feel easy and normal. “This” referring to just DH & I in our tiny apartment living our daily carefree lives, still childless. It is obviously not what we envisioned for ourselves but I can honestly say that I have come to terms with it. I mean, I HAVE to come to terms with it at some point of time since I may have to live this way for a while – possibly, a LONG while…. Who knows?

I left my last post with my long-awaited holiday to Europe in mind. Feeling very excited, we managed to put the TTC thought aside. DH and I visited 3 cities in Mar 2016; Amsterdam, Paris and London in a span of 2 weeks and returned to Singapore feeling very refreshed. The holiday successfully distracted us from the repeated failed TTC attempts and the feeling was really great.

A few days after we got back, my parents got ready for their mini pilgrimage to the holy city. Usually, friends and families will gather at the airport to send the pilgrims off for their trip. My aunts and uncles who turned up took time to ask DH and I the standard questions – how we are doing, how our trip was and such. And then, there appeared one of my uncles who did something to trigger that dreadful “yes, I am still childless” feeling….

Please bear in mind that this same uncle and his wife have been trying to offer some kind of advice/tip ever since it occured to them that we rightfully should already be pregnant but still have not. Well, what he did was – he passed me a piece of paper with the “tip” on it. I usually will accept “tip”/advice that anyone offers as I (sort of) believe everyone who did, meant well.. BUT his tip seemed a bit ridiculous.. Also, to be frank, it felt a little bit embarrassing as we are so unsure as to why was he so eager to pass this tip along to us. Like dude, why are you so eager to help?! Just leave us alone!

Even though DH and I managed to brush that embarrassing feeling off overnight, I still couldn’t stop thinking – Why is everyone so worried about us not being pregnant yet when DH and I have so much faith that one day, god willing, it will happen naturally? Why is everyone so convinced that the stress at work and stress in TTC is the cause of all this? Why is everyone asking and asking if we’re seeking treatment?

And then, one fine day, I got fed-up just by the mere thought of another embarrassing, rhetorical question that would come our way. I felt that, if we kind of have closure knowing that medically, we are fit to have a baby then, we can keep all of these nosy people quiet for awhile and tell them – YES, WE ARE FINE BUT GOD HASN’T BESTOW US WITH THE GIFT OF A BABY YET SO SHUT IT.

We also thought, since everyone thinks that we are too stressed from work which results in failed TTC attempts AND that we are too stressed in TTC, why not just get the tests done. If all is well, we can continue trying naturally without that thought at the back of our minds thinking, “is something wrong with me?” – which could lead to stress, right?

I then, seek permission from my manager to get time off work to get a polyclinic referral for KKH. As this was going to be a long process (because I took the subsidised route), I had to embarrassingly inform my manager what was happening. She empathetically said, she was okay with me taking days off here and there to complete the whole process. And the rest…. is another long-winded story.

So, in summary – yes, DH and I have seen a proper gynae to get everything tested. And today, we finally managed to wrap it all up and received the final results to all the tests that we had to do. I shall update what happened next in my next post.

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Another TWW.

& the TWW begins.. Well, I must say I am not expecting anything much now because it is sooooooo dry down there. I know it is only about 2 dpo but there are no signs whatsoever. I hope to feel something later on 6 dpo onward after implantation. But if not……… we just have try again. SIGH.

P/s: We are still not sure when is an ideal time to schedule a checkup. Everyone tells us to be patient and keep trying till we cannot try anymore. Won’t it be too late by then? 😥

Cycle 13 – Day 2.

And so, AF came yesterday while I was sleeping so soundly on Deepavali public holiday. I detest that gush of blood that interrupted my sleep so early in the morning – on a day I was supposedly allowed to wake up a little late.

DH wasn’t home when AF started as he was on night shift and due to reach home in about 2 hours. After washing up, I texting DH while getting ready to resume my sleep:

Me: Period came. I am numb. 😦
DH: 😦 we will try again love.

SIGH. Will there be just 1 day when I text him, “OMG. Period is still not here. I’m late.” or “Should I take the test?”. When will this ever change to a happy moment for us? I just don’t know anymore.

DH came home and I refuse to wake up to have breakfast with him. At that moment, I refuse to be awake to have to accept the fact that AF is really here – that I am NOT pregnant AGAIN. I was just so sad. I woke up a few hours later while DH was napping. I cried my heart out alone in the empty living room staring at our wedding pictures that are nicely framed while listening to the sound of little kids running around at the void-deck.

When I finally stopped being a crybaby, I got up and started doing chores. DH woke up a few minutes later to help. We proceeded with life as per normal after that and that has been our life the past year – just the 2 of us, trying to be strong for and with each other :/

But we will not give up. We will NEVER give up. Insha Allah…..

Cycle 12 – 12 DPO.

Finally the last few days before this month’s final verdict. I really do not know what to expect this month but I am feeling alot of the “wet” feeling now so I guess, AF must be on her way. Also, I have been feeling some kind of twitching sensation near my hipbones a few times the past few hours.

Let’s just not expect anything and let it flow (or not). I just need to mentally prepare myself and to remind myself not to shed a tear when it appears. :’/

Edit: I just feel like jotting down my AF symptoms as I didn’t have any last month and have sort of forgotten how they felt like.
– Starting to feel some kind of “come and go” backaches.

twelve x.

This morning I found out that a friend of a friend is pregnant. So these 2 friends will be happily pregnant together and will be happy mummies having playdates etc in future. How fun.

& here I am feeling slightly miserable and depressed – almost at lost with what to do next. We are now in the midst of our 12th fertile week. I really do not know how else to convince myself that this is normal because feeling normal is the thing I feel the least right now. Why is it so hard for us? Why am I NOT normal? Why are my friends blessed in this aspect except me?

I remind myself time and again, Allah have perfect plans for all of us. I also remind myself how He is there during my other tough times; throughout family crisis, financial struggles and wedding/work woes. I also remind myself how blessed I am to even have a great spouse, life partner, soulmate & bestfriend. That in itself should be enough to prove that He has my best interest. Alhamdulillah. So, yes. I need to pick up strength to live my days positively; a day at a time.

12. 12 is our special number. I pray everyday this will be our lucky month.

Insha Allah. Insha Allah. Insha Allah.

P/s: Constantly thinking when will be a good time to call up KKH to make THE dreaded appointment. SIGH WHY 😦

Since I have been getting negative results on my ovulation tests, I am starting to worry if I even ovulated ever since I got married. I do not have those crazy EWCM that other women claim to have when they O. I also have not gotten ANY positive results on my OPK. 😦

So this morning, I just tested for fun knowing that I should be O-ing tmr, I got 2 lines like finally?! Although the T line was way lighter than the C line, the  I was so excited still. I THOUGHT I WAS FINALLY OVULATING and I felt so happy but my happiness was short-lived. I went on to check the manuals that was included in the test kit but it says that a lighter T line is NOT A POSITIVE result. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH 😥

We are on the way to our 12th cycle and 2 months till our 1 year anniversary. I badly want to check but I doubt the doctors will willingly accept us knowing I have regular period and we have not tried for more than a year. I really hope ours will at least be a last minute thing – like exactly on the 12th cycle or 12th month of being married to each other.

This is depressing but I need. to. be. strong.

P/s: I have successfully avoided meeting the pregnant ladies/mummy friends the whole of October. I do not know how long more we can avoid them but I am not ready and they WILL NEVER understand. Our ties will be severed but I am just not ready. May Allah guide us to the right path.

11th cycle! On to the next…….

We are finally back from our much needed holiday. My period came about 30 minutes before we departed but there was NO pain/cramps/signs at all. I was quite hopeful at first thinking it could just be implantation bleeding but it lasted the whole day and continued the next day as well so, ya.. wishful thinking.

I am just very amazed at how I did not have ANY cramps at all & my period was really short too. It lasted only 2 days! By the 3rd day, my pad was literally white (!!) followed by small spots here and there up till day 6. On day 4, I had diarrhea probably due to the really spicy turkish food then, followed by 2 days of sudden sharp pains in my tummy. All in all, my period treated me rather nicely this month. Thank Allah for that because I was overseas and I was hoping to not be in so much pain while trying to enjoy my holiday.

With that said, I am now 2 days away from my fertile period and I am starting to get nervous again. :S Madness starts in 2 days.

One last update before I end this post, I found out another good friend of mine is pregnant while I was away. I had a meltdown that night – for the same reason again, “what is wrong with me?” but I became calm again the next day.

“Rezeki masing-masing”. Insha Allah.