Jaded.

Hi! How is everyone? It has been about 6 months since my last update…

A lot happened the past 6 months but no, being pregnant is not one of them. I am still kind of sad about it but for some reason, “this” is all starting to feel easy and normal. “This” referring to just DH & I in our tiny apartment living our daily carefree lives, still childless. It is obviously not what we envisioned for ourselves but I can honestly say that I have come to terms with it. I mean, I HAVE to come to terms with it at some point of time since I may have to live this way for a while – possibly, a LONG while…. Who knows?

I left my last post with my long-awaited holiday to Europe in mind. Feeling very excited, we managed to put the TTC thought aside. DH and I visited 3 cities in Mar 2016; Amsterdam, Paris and London in a span of 2 weeks and returned to Singapore feeling very refreshed. The holiday successfully distracted us from the repeated failed TTC attempts and the feeling was really great.

A few days after we got back, my parents got ready for their mini pilgrimage to the holy city. Usually, friends and families will gather at the airport to send the pilgrims off for their trip. My aunts and uncles who turned up took time to ask DH and I the standard questions – how we are doing, how our trip was and such. And then, there appeared one of my uncles who did something to trigger that dreadful “yes, I am still childless” feeling….

Please bear in mind that this same uncle and his wife have been trying to offer some kind of advice/tip ever since it occured to them that we rightfully should already be pregnant but still have not. Well, what he did was – he passed me a piece of paper with the “tip” on it. I usually will accept “tip”/advice that anyone offers as I (sort of) believe everyone who did, meant well.. BUT his tip seemed a bit ridiculous.. Also, to be frank, it felt a little bit embarrassing as we are so unsure as to why was he so eager to pass this tip along to us. Like dude, why are you so eager to help?! Just leave us alone!

Even though DH and I managed to brush that embarrassing feeling off overnight, I still couldn’t stop thinking – Why is everyone so worried about us not being pregnant yet when DH and I have so much faith that one day, god willing, it will happen naturally? Why is everyone so convinced that the stress at work and stress in TTC is the cause of all this? Why is everyone asking and asking if we’re seeking treatment?

And then, one fine day, I got fed-up just by the mere thought of another embarrassing, rhetorical question that would come our way. I felt that, if we kind of have closure knowing that medically, we are fit to have a baby then, we can keep all of these nosy people quiet for awhile and tell them – YES, WE ARE FINE BUT GOD HASN’T BESTOW US WITH THE GIFT OF A BABY YET SO SHUT IT.

We also thought, since everyone thinks that we are too stressed from work which results in failed TTC attempts AND that we are too stressed in TTC, why not just get the tests done. If all is well, we can continue trying naturally without that thought at the back of our minds thinking, “is something wrong with me?” – which could lead to stress, right?

I then, seek permission from my manager to get time off work to get a polyclinic referral for KKH. As this was going to be a long process (because I took the subsidised route), I had to embarrassingly inform my manager what was happening. She empathetically said, she was okay with me taking days off here and there to complete the whole process. And the rest…. is another long-winded story.

So, in summary – yes, DH and I have seen a proper gynae to get everything tested. And today, we finally managed to wrap it all up and received the final results to all the tests that we had to do. I shall update what happened next in my next post.

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