And so, AF came yesterday while I was sleeping so soundly on Deepavali public holiday. I detest that gush of blood that interrupted my sleep so early in the morning – on a day I was supposedly allowed to wake up a little late.
DH wasn’t home when AF started as he was on night shift and due to reach home in about 2 hours. After washing up, I texting DH while getting ready to resume my sleep:
Me: Period came. I am numb. 😦
DH: 😦 we will try again love.
SIGH. Will there be just 1 day when I text him, “OMG. Period is still not here. I’m late.” or “Should I take the test?”. When will this ever change to a happy moment for us? I just don’t know anymore.
DH came home and I refuse to wake up to have breakfast with him. At that moment, I refuse to be awake to have to accept the fact that AF is really here – that I am NOT pregnant AGAIN. I was just so sad. I woke up a few hours later while DH was napping. I cried my heart out alone in the empty living room staring at our wedding pictures that are nicely framed while listening to the sound of little kids running around at the void-deck.
When I finally stopped being a crybaby, I got up and started doing chores. DH woke up a few minutes later to help. We proceeded with life as per normal after that and that has been our life the past year – just the 2 of us, trying to be strong for and with each other
But we will not give up. We will NEVER give up. Insha Allah…..
Finally the last few days before this month’s final verdict. I really do not know what to expect this month but I am feeling alot of the “wet” feeling now so I guess, AF must be on her way. Also, I have been feeling some kind of twitching sensation near my hipbones a few times the past few hours.
Let’s just not expect anything and let it flow (or not). I just need to mentally prepare myself and to remind myself not to shed a tear when it appears. :’/
Edit: I just feel like jotting down my AF symptoms as I didn’t have any last month and have sort of forgotten how they felt like.
– Starting to feel some kind of “come and go” backaches.
This morning I found out that a friend of a friend is pregnant. So these 2 friends will be happily pregnant together and will be happy mummies having playdates etc in future. How fun.
& here I am feeling slightly miserable and depressed – almost at lost with what to do next. We are now in the midst of our 12th fertile week. I really do not know how else to convince myself that this is normal because feeling normal is the thing I feel the least right now. Why is it so hard for us? Why am I NOT normal? Why are my friends blessed in this aspect except me?
I remind myself time and again, Allah have perfect plans for all of us. I also remind myself how He is there during my other tough times; throughout family crisis, financial struggles and wedding/work woes. I also remind myself how blessed I am to even have a great spouse, life partner, soulmate & bestfriend. That in itself should be enough to prove that He has my best interest. Alhamdulillah. So, yes. I need to pick up strength to live my days positively; a day at a time.
12. 12 is our special number. I pray everyday this will be our lucky month.
Insha Allah. Insha Allah. Insha Allah.
P/s: Constantly thinking when will be a good time to call up KKH to make THE dreaded appointment. SIGH WHY 😦