Cycle 12 – 7 DPO.

So since there are no symptoms this month up till today, I sort of gave DH a heads up I might not be pregnant this month. I told him to keep his expectations to the lowest or brush it totally off if possible and please do not be upset or feel miserable¬†when I inform him AF appears. And……….. he gave me sad face.

SIGH. I HATE DISAPPOINTING PEOPLE – DH, my family and my in-laws. When am I ever going to be able to give them good news? When? When? ūüė¶

Other ex-BTBs.

Monday Blues and lesser cases at work yesterday led my itchy fingers to browse through other ex-BTBs’ blogs who got married around the same time I did to see how they are doing 8 to 12 months later. Some have moved into their new beautiful houses, some have traveled to a lot of fancy places, some are now¬†erm, pregnant and some have given birth.

I felt a little jealous.. I wished I was one of those who are now pregnant/have given birth. 2 of the girls I know from IG who got married a week after me have both given birth to a baby boy and a baby girl. They post baby pictures almost everyday and are always mentioning how grateful they are to Allah for their little bundle of joy.

I am just numb at this point. I am seriously numb that I am no longer very sad nor am I very happy. I am just living each day, a day at a time Рcrazy BD-ing during our fertile week and the rest of it just praying and wishing hard and back to feeling numb. Oh well..

Not mine.

I went to a wedding last weekend and a distant cousin of mine brought her adorable baby boy with her to the event. My dad and brother who are soooooooooooooo fond of kids¬†(of any age) immediately offered to carry the baby around. My dad approached me and asked if I want to carry the baby. I made a sad face and said ‘no’. I was trying so damn hard to suppress my tears, honestly. I maintained my cool and quickly whipped up my phone to take a selfie with the baby to divert my dad’s attention from the main issue.

My dad then said, “Why you don’t want to carry him? Just carry lah.”
I still shook my head.
He said, “Because he is not your own? It’s okay.. No pressure kan. We are not pressurizing the both of you. Just take it easy and pray. Insha Allah.”

AHHHHHHHHHH I WAS CRYING BUCKETS IN MY HEART but i couldn’t show it. Only Allah knows exactly how I was feeling and how much I wanted to¬†just break down and cry.¬†Well, I did eventually.. at home when I cried myself to sleep that night.

It just upsets me because I know how much my family madly adores children. My dad and younger brother never miss any chance to carry a newborn around or play with toddlers during family gatherings. They would rather do that than mingling with other grown-ups. I wished by now, I could give them mine to play with but I don’t have any so¬†all I can do is…………. sulk and of course, pray for one. Insha Allah.

twelve x.

This morning I found out that a friend of a friend is pregnant. So these 2 friends will be happily pregnant together and will be happy mummies having playdates etc in future. How fun.

& here I am feeling slightly miserable and depressed Рalmost at lost with what to do next. We are now in the midst of our 12th fertile week. I really do not know how else to convince myself that this is normal because feeling normal is the thing I feel the least right now. Why is it so hard for us? Why am I NOT normal? Why are my friends blessed in this aspect except me?

I remind myself time and again, Allah have perfect plans for all of us. I also remind myself how He is there during my other tough times; throughout family crisis, financial struggles and wedding/work woes. I also remind myself how blessed I am to even have a great spouse, life partner, soulmate & bestfriend. That in itself should be enough to prove that He has my best interest. Alhamdulillah. So, yes. I need to pick up strength to live my days positively; a day at a time.

12. 12 is our special number. I pray everyday this will be our lucky month.

Insha Allah. Insha Allah. Insha Allah.

P/s: Constantly thinking¬†when will be a good time to call up KKH to make THE dreaded¬†appointment. SIGH WHY ūüė¶

Since I have been getting negative results on my ovulation tests, I am starting to worry if I even ovulated ever since I got married. I do not have those crazy EWCM that other women claim to have when they O. I also have not gotten ANY positive results on my OPK. ūüė¶

So this morning, I just tested for fun knowing that I should be O-ing tmr, I got 2 lines like finally?! Although the T¬†line was way lighter than the C¬†line,¬†the ¬†I was so excited still. I THOUGHT I WAS FINALLY OVULATING and I felt so happy but my happiness was short-lived. I went on to check the manuals that was included in the test kit but it says that a lighter T line is NOT A POSITIVE result. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH ūüė•

We are on the way to our 12th cycle and 2 months till our 1 year anniversary. I badly want to check but I doubt the doctors will willingly accept us knowing I have regular period and we have not tried for more than a year. I really hope ours will at least be a last minute thing Рlike exactly on the 12th cycle or 12th month of being married to each other.

This is depressing but I need. to. be. strong.

P/s: I have successfully avoided meeting the pregnant ladies/mummy friends the whole of October. I do not know how long more we can avoid them but I am not ready and they WILL NEVER understand. Our ties will be severed but I am just not ready. May Allah guide us to the right path.

11th cycle! On to the next…….

We are finally back from our much needed holiday. My period came about 30 minutes before we departed but there was NO pain/cramps/signs at all. I was quite hopeful at first thinking it could just be implantation bleeding but it lasted the whole day and continued the next day as well so, ya.. wishful thinking.

I am just very amazed at how I did not have ANY cramps at all & my period was really short too. It lasted only 2 days! By the 3rd day, my pad was literally white (!!) followed by small spots here and there up till day 6. On day 4, I had diarrhea probably due to the really spicy turkish food then, followed by 2 days of sudden sharp pains in my tummy. All in all, my period treated me rather nicely this month. Thank Allah for that because I was overseas and I was hoping to not be in so much pain while trying to enjoy my holiday.

With that said, I am now 2 days away from my fertile period and I am starting to get nervous again. :S Madness starts in 2 days.

One last update before I end this post, I found out another good friend of mine is pregnant while I was away. I had a meltdown that night – for the same reason again, “what is wrong with me?” but I became calm again the next day.

“Rezeki masing-masing”. Insha Allah.

8 DPO.

It’s 8 DPO today and I have been waiting for some other signs to pop up but no, none. No¬†tender boobs, no sensitive nipples, no extra mucus flow, zilch.

The only “symptoms” that are still lingering are those crazy, vivid dreams (even during my¬†15 minutes nap) and extreme hunger but both of them are¬†kind of normal even for women¬†who are not trying so, ya, I know I am out this month.

But that is okay.. I am looking forward to my highly anticipated trip overseas, like finally?! After exhausting all our funds on renovating and decorating the house and replenishing household products every 2 weeks or so, we finally have $$ to travel again!

Erm, not really a¬†2nd honeymoon as the very smart me booked this holiday on the same day as AF (Cycle Day 1) -_-‘ But I feel like it will be a good time for us to really take a break from TTC and enjoy. If I booked a holiday on my fertile week, I would be probably be thinking about BD-ing every single minute so as not to waste any possible conceiving moment/day.

So, yes. Holiday. Relax, Enjoy.