Should I feel embarrassed?

It’s been awhile since my last post in Nov 2015. There’s nothing much to update hence, the MIA.

I am just curious – for those who have been trying for over a year just like DH and I – have you ever felt embarrassed just by attending an event where all your “friends-with-kids” are present? I attended a wedding of an ex-schoolmate the past weekend and as soon as I got there, seeing all my friends happily hugging their cute little babies and some with their pregnant bellies just made me feel ashamed that I am still childless. I know they are not the kind that would be judging me – why am I still childless but just being around them made me feel uncomfortable. I felt so inadequate like I’m not good enough and something is wrong with me. Or, like I’ve sinned so much in my younger days that God is now punishing me for it. Who knows they might think of me as such a bad person and this is retribution from Him and they know it… 😥

Sigh, I just wish I could run away from here and not see anyone I know ever again but that is obviously not possible. Also, I guess I am overthinking this a little too much. I should stop. For all I know, they might not even give a damn whether I am fertile or not. But that couldn’t be the case because in my whole circle of friends, they’re just getting pregnant one after another a few months after getting married so…… I should feel weird right?

What a way to start 2016. New year, same old useless me.. still TTC. 😦

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Still dare to wish you are pregnant?

We attended a ceremony yesterday, a celebration for a newborn with prayers and such at a friend’s place. I last met her 3 months ago at my housewarming party but we didn’t manage to really talk. She was heavily pregnant then and I was really busy entertaining my guests. This time around, we finally sat down and chatted – with a baby bottle in her right hand and a newborn in another. & the first thing she said to me was , “Eh.. you don’t be stressed up lah.

Why do people always think of me this way? Yes, sometimes I do feel upset and bitter about not being pregnant (yet). Who wouldn’t, right? The sad part is people automatically jump into the conclusion that DH and I are super depressed about it. We are not THAT depressed (yet) so please stop. Your perception of us is driving us to that path, though.

She then continued the conversation by giving me some unsolicited advice (what’s new) and said, “You see my cousin over there? They are married for 3 years and still not pregnant. See that friend of mine who has been playing my baby the whole time? They, too, aren’t pregnant yet. Oh and yes, my sibling! After a year of trying they went to check if there’s anything wrong and as it turned out, the problem lies with the guy. Thank god IVF worked so miraculously on their first attempt. So you see, don’t worry ok? Keep calm and it will happen. What’s meant to be for you, will be“.

Please enlighten me – which part of that is supposed to make me feel better? Was I supposed to feel happier/glad that there are others in the same worrisome plight as me? Was I supposed to say “YA I KNOW RIGHT! THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, TO ALMOST EVERYONE AROUND US! LIKE, WE DEFINITELY KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS.” Was this supposed to make me feel safe or.. what? WHAT WAS IT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL? Oh and it doesn’t stop there…

Even my own pregnancy was unexpected! You know that, right? I tried for 6 months but still no BFP so I started to worry.. I then, stopped thinking about it, stopped worrying and on our 9th month, we conceived! See!“.

Erm….. all pregnancies are sort of unexpected because you are not supposed to know what your insides are doing. If you get pregnant, planned or unplanned, it will be a surprise so please, shut up.

So I decided to say something.. “I know I’m not supposed to worry and trying my best to keep calm so it will happen but I’ve read extreme stories of failed (multiple) IVF and how taxing and stressful IVF, etc are. I’m just preparing myself, you see. The injections, crazy blood work.. You know how I’m like the person who have had to see the doctor the least – like even for a fever. I have not even had any bad case of fever/flu before, I’m just getting myself mentally prepared for all these crazy medical stuff. I am just preparing myself for the worse!“.

& her reply was “HUH HAHAHHAHAHAHA AND YOU STILL DARE TO WISH YOU ARE PREGNANT?! You know there will be injections all that, right?!

o.O What? Huh? Huhhhh??? Well, I just smiled and stayed silent after that and kept playing with her baby.. & that’s it. I give up. I officially give up confiding in anyone. I’ll just really shut up from now on and mend my heart on my own. Sigh….

But no matter what, I am still so happy for you, though. Alhamdulilah.. I hope you’d enjoy every moment of being a mum and may you child grow up healthy and happy. :’) Insha Allah.

Other ex-BTBs.

Monday Blues and lesser cases at work yesterday led my itchy fingers to browse through other ex-BTBs’ blogs who got married around the same time I did to see how they are doing 8 to 12 months later. Some have moved into their new beautiful houses, some have traveled to a lot of fancy places, some are now erm, pregnant and some have given birth.

I felt a little jealous.. I wished I was one of those who are now pregnant/have given birth. 2 of the girls I know from IG who got married a week after me have both given birth to a baby boy and a baby girl. They post baby pictures almost everyday and are always mentioning how grateful they are to Allah for their little bundle of joy.

I am just numb at this point. I am seriously numb that I am no longer very sad nor am I very happy. I am just living each day, a day at a time – crazy BD-ing during our fertile week and the rest of it just praying and wishing hard and back to feeling numb. Oh well..

Not mine.

I went to a wedding last weekend and a distant cousin of mine brought her adorable baby boy with her to the event. My dad and brother who are soooooooooooooo fond of kids (of any age) immediately offered to carry the baby around. My dad approached me and asked if I want to carry the baby. I made a sad face and said ‘no’. I was trying so damn hard to suppress my tears, honestly. I maintained my cool and quickly whipped up my phone to take a selfie with the baby to divert my dad’s attention from the main issue.

My dad then said, “Why you don’t want to carry him? Just carry lah.”
I still shook my head.
He said, “Because he is not your own? It’s okay.. No pressure kan. We are not pressurizing the both of you. Just take it easy and pray. Insha Allah.”

AHHHHHHHHHH I WAS CRYING BUCKETS IN MY HEART but i couldn’t show it. Only Allah knows exactly how I was feeling and how much I wanted to just break down and cry. Well, I did eventually.. at home when I cried myself to sleep that night.

It just upsets me because I know how much my family madly adores children. My dad and younger brother never miss any chance to carry a newborn around or play with toddlers during family gatherings. They would rather do that than mingling with other grown-ups. I wished by now, I could give them mine to play with but I don’t have any so all I can do is…………. sulk and of course, pray for one. Insha Allah.