twelve x.

This morning I found out that a friend of a friend is pregnant. So these 2 friends will be happily pregnant together and will be happy mummies having playdates etc in future. How fun.

& here I am feeling slightly miserable and depressed – almost at lost with what to do next. We are now in the midst of our 12th fertile week. I really do not know how else to convince myself that this is normal because feeling normal is the thing I feel the least right now. Why is it so hard for us? Why am I NOT normal? Why are my friends blessed in this aspect except me?

I remind myself time and again, Allah have perfect plans for all of us. I also remind myself how He is there during my other tough times; throughout family crisis, financial struggles and wedding/work woes. I also remind myself how blessed I am to even have a great spouse, life partner, soulmate & bestfriend. That in itself should be enough to prove that He has my best interest. Alhamdulillah. So, yes. I need to pick up strength to live my days positively; a day at a time.

12. 12 is our special number. I pray everyday this will be our lucky month.

Insha Allah. Insha Allah. Insha Allah.

P/s: Constantly thinking when will be a good time to call up KKH to make THE dreaded appointment. SIGH WHY 😦

Since I have been getting negative results on my ovulation tests, I am starting to worry if I even ovulated ever since I got married. I do not have those crazy EWCM that other women claim to have when they O. I also have not gotten ANY positive results on my OPK. 😦

So this morning, I just tested for fun knowing that I should be O-ing tmr, I got 2 lines like finally?! Although the T line was way lighter than the C line, the  I was so excited still. I THOUGHT I WAS FINALLY OVULATING and I felt so happy but my happiness was short-lived. I went on to check the manuals that was included in the test kit but it says that a lighter T line is NOT A POSITIVE result. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH 😥

We are on the way to our 12th cycle and 2 months till our 1 year anniversary. I badly want to check but I doubt the doctors will willingly accept us knowing I have regular period and we have not tried for more than a year. I really hope ours will at least be a last minute thing – like exactly on the 12th cycle or 12th month of being married to each other.

This is depressing but I need. to. be. strong.

P/s: I have successfully avoided meeting the pregnant ladies/mummy friends the whole of October. I do not know how long more we can avoid them but I am not ready and they WILL NEVER understand. Our ties will be severed but I am just not ready. May Allah guide us to the right path.

11th cycle! On to the next…….

We are finally back from our much needed holiday. My period came about 30 minutes before we departed but there was NO pain/cramps/signs at all. I was quite hopeful at first thinking it could just be implantation bleeding but it lasted the whole day and continued the next day as well so, ya.. wishful thinking.

I am just very amazed at how I did not have ANY cramps at all & my period was really short too. It lasted only 2 days! By the 3rd day, my pad was literally white (!!) followed by small spots here and there up till day 6. On day 4, I had diarrhea probably due to the really spicy turkish food then, followed by 2 days of sudden sharp pains in my tummy. All in all, my period treated me rather nicely this month. Thank Allah for that because I was overseas and I was hoping to not be in so much pain while trying to enjoy my holiday.

With that said, I am now 2 days away from my fertile period and I am starting to get nervous again. :S Madness starts in 2 days.

One last update before I end this post, I found out another good friend of mine is pregnant while I was away. I had a meltdown that night – for the same reason again, “what is wrong with me?” but I became calm again the next day.

“Rezeki masing-masing”. Insha Allah.

8 DPO.

It’s 8 DPO today and I have been waiting for some other signs to pop up but no, none. No tender boobs, no sensitive nipples, no extra mucus flow, zilch.

The only “symptoms” that are still lingering are those crazy, vivid dreams (even during my 15 minutes nap) and extreme hunger but both of them are kind of normal even for women who are not trying so, ya, I know I am out this month.

But that is okay.. I am looking forward to my highly anticipated trip overseas, like finally?! After exhausting all our funds on renovating and decorating the house and replenishing household products every 2 weeks or so, we finally have $$ to travel again!

Erm, not really a 2nd honeymoon as the very smart me booked this holiday on the same day as AF (Cycle Day 1) -_-‘ But I feel like it will be a good time for us to really take a break from TTC and enjoy. If I booked a holiday on my fertile week, I would be probably be thinking about BD-ing every single minute so as not to waste any possible conceiving moment/day.

So, yes. Holiday. Relax, Enjoy.

6DPO (I think.)

So yesterday, I discovered a splat of yellowish, whitish thick mucus. I can’t help but to start crazy googling at 1am in the morning to figure out what it may mean. I wished I hadn’t done so because now I am hoping for a BFP at the end of this cycle – which I know will be a disappointment anyway..

Also, my dreams have been very vivid the past few days. I can remember clearly everything I dreamt about which is weird because on days when I am sooo tired before falling asleep, I don’t think I even manage to squeeze in a dream or two while sleeping o.O

However, from my experience the past 9 months, symptoms like thick mucus during “implantation day” no longer mean a thing to me. I’ve had all sort of “symptoms” throughout our TTC period but AF still showed up 😦 I know, it could have been just me overthinking everything.

Some symptoms I’ve had that led to a BFN anyway are:

  • Sore boobs
  • Cramping for 2 days during suspected ovulation day
  • Diarrhea AND constipation -_-‘
  • Frequent urinating
  • Feeling very, very, very sleepy/tired
  • Feeling very, very, very hungry
  • Feeling very, very, very emotional
  • Bloated tummy
  • Nausea
  • Alot of yellowish mucus on and off on days leading to period

So, you see.. I really no longer believe in symptoms and I no longer feel the need to even purchase a HPT. I have convinced myself the only way I can confirm I am pregnant is through a missed period because my period is very, very punctual. But I will definitely update more as the days go by to see if I get more mucus till THE day. Sigh……………….

Edit: Oh yes, can I also add that just before going to bed, I went to pee. & right after that, I felt like pee-ing again. I thought the pee would be little and painful – because the urge to pee in that short period of time could mean UTI, right? But no. I peed a lot the 2nd time too. & since I stock up on cranberry juice in the fridge, I quickly went to drink only a few sips (to avoid a full bladder) last night right after the 2nd pee.

& in the morning which was only 4+ hours later, I peed lots again. OMG. Could this be the effect of the massage – to cleanse everything inside my body? Pregnancy symptom too, maybe? AHHHHHHHH driving me insaneeeeeee.

September 2015

While some of my friends rejoice having their little bundle of joy, some losing sleep taking care of their newborns and some experiencing crazy 1st trimesters; here I am still going crazy trying to conceive. I don’t know if I have gone a little bit overboard with all the purchases below which was bought in a span of a few days! Hahaha.

We first bought the Blackmores Conceive Well Gold Pre-Conception pills. While I was crazy googling TTC and infertility, many TTC ladies bought this and got lucky.. Some within the first few months of trying so, I am praying the best for us too! I know this is not a miracle pill but I hope it helps to add on and help my body with the nutrients and vitamins it need to conceive.

abc1
A few days after buying my pre-conception pills, DH thought it would be good for him to start taking vitamins as well so we bought the Blackmores Men’s Performance Multi Vitamin. I am not really sure the success rate for this but no harm trying?

abc3About a few days later, I madly googled the success rate of the 2 pills above and found out that egg white mucus is also one of the more important factors in helping the sperms swim to right places. I read that many ladies without much mucus during ovulation tried Pre-Seed as a lubricant so…….. I bought it too -_-” DH seems to like it which is a bonus. It is a little bit troublesome (lol) but for a BFP, I would gladly try ANYTHING! & It is actually not bad lah. Also, a little goes a long way……..

abc2Last but not least, after learning that a friend found out there was a problem with her fallopian tubes ONLY after religiously charting and using OPKs, I kepo-ed to see if it will give me some kind of results too. Needless to say, I have “not” ovulated since the day I started using the Guardian Ovulation Test kit. Sigh. Please do not ask me how to chart or track daily mucus because I really have no idea! I do not even intend to learn this method in depth because I am very, very sure it will drive me even crazier. For now, I am just going to do a simple chart to see if my BBT changes (oh yes, I also bought a BBT thermometer!! Ugh!) till my next AF and next ovulation period and if it doesn’t, we will leave it all to Him. 😦

Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 6.43.51 pm

Any readers out there who are TTC may wish to try one or all of the above if you haven’t done so. There are also others like Menevit, Elevit, mainly Folic Acid pills, etc that you may want to look into. From my crazy research, these are some of the more common, affordable and readily available ones in Singapore. Good luck! ❤

Massage #1

I finally got around to call a professional to give me a good massage which consists of repairing my body and preparing for conception – not those relaxation massages you get when you go on holiday. My mum has been bugging and advising me to get someone to do it for me since 6 months ago but no one has highly recommended anyone good for me to call.

I felt a bit relieved knowing that the masseuse tried really hard to  “hit” all the spots needed to “release” all the “wind” that was trapped in my body.  She also helped to massage my “womb”/tummy area. It wasn’t really comfortable and painful, definitely but I am happy I got it done. She also gave me some tips on how to take care of my body..

Now, let’s pray this massage works or at the very least, slowly help in preparing my womb for pregnancy (in future, if any.)

Another 2 week wait begins….

Finally, after a crazy week or two of  major BD-ing (HAHA, TMI), we’re finally into our 2WW. & you know what? I still do not have any CM! Why is this happening? 😦

Nevertheless, I will be okay this month if AF shows up. I really think I am okay now – not going to bawl my eyes out if we don’t conceive this month because I do not feel any ovulation signs anyway? But with Allah’s grace and our faith in Him, we may conceive if He allows it.. right? Insha Allah 🙂
I saw the “passport” photo of my friend’s  baby boy yesterday and Masha Allah, how can one tiny human being be sooooooooo cute! He is perfect, really. Symmetrical face, fair skinned and everything else that is perfect in between. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah. I am still so happy for her 🙂

To end this post, let’s welcome the 2ww with open arms! My mantra for this month is “It s okay. It will be okay..”

Insha Allah, Allah give me patience and strength. Amin.

The elephant in the room.

A very good friend of mine gave birth to a healthy baby boy yesterday & I am VERYYYYYYY happy for her that I teared when she texted me the good news! After many months of trying, she finally conceived and now have a  cutie in her hands. Syukur Alhamdulillah. She deserves all the happiness in this world and I believe she will be a great mum! I cannot wait to see her and baby :’)

On a somewhat similar note, I shared a post yesterday on Facebook and I guess, people now know that we are trying but still have not been blessed with a baby yet. Some important people have commented and liked the post, reminding me to have faith. I don’t know if sharing the post was a good move but………. even if I don’t share it, people will assume and ask anyway (because it is afterall a huge elephant in the room what!) so wtheck.. *shrugs*

Also, I don’t think I ovulated this month but who knows, right? He may be secretly hiding the ovulation signs from me to not allow me to keep my hopes up but I really hope the secret plan will be in place for us – someday, somehow….

After 8 failed attempts….

DH and I got married in Dec 2014. We initially planned to wait till a year later to try to have a baby but after realizing that it was SG50 and it would be kind of nice to have a Jubilee Baby, we went on to try after our first month of being married.

Today is the last day of September 2015 which means our TTC attempts have failed 8 times since we first started. I have been told repeatedly that this blessing is all in Allah’s hands and it is Him who will decide when/if he want to bestow us this bundle of joy. I, of course do not deny that fact for I am firm believer of His faith – that everything only happens when He allows it to happen.

I have been pretty strong facing this TTC issue up till 2 weeks ago when a friend whom I had a strong feeling will be pregnant before I do, got “accidentally” pregnant. To tell you the truth, I was more than devastated. How can one get pregnant accidentally if they refuse to use protection nor is consuming birth control pills? I know this couple know nuts about fertile window, ovulation period and 2ww but I call that ignorant. If you do not want to be pregnant, you will take all the precautions you can to try not to conceive. At least, that is what I want to believe – that they are ignorant. Also, I believe this is their special rezeki from Allah and I do not want to question that anymore because it is not my place to do so. He knows best and I am happy for them. Oh, and no offence to those who still got pregnant despite taking all precaution to not conceive.

I know I sound like a sad, bitter b*itch. You are right. I am sad and bitter. This is because when I was first TTC, this was the same friend I tried to confide in. This was also THE first friend who told me I should not be trying so hard and that I need to learn to relax because it will happen when I finally let go. In my opinion, it is easy for her to say this because she don’t intend to have kids yet and did not go through what I went through. & without even trying, she got pregnant. (!!!) Wow. Of course now, she believes her theory of “relax” and “let go” works. Sigh 😦

I have not really told anyone other than DH about how I really, really feel deep inside. I cry almost every time AF appears and I cry again while I pray for a baby and I cry again when there’s a trigger, reminding me that I am still not pregnant. I am sick of crying…

Am I infertile? Will I ever be able to have a baby? Will I ever get to feel how it’s like to be pregnant? Will I ever get to use a HPT and get that tingly feeling inside when it shows a positive sign? Will the supposed baby room in our new home ever be refurnished with baby furniture? Only Allah knows. For now, all I can do is wish and pray and do everything we can to conceive. Insha Allah – with His blessing.

According to our monthly tracker app, it is supposed to be my ovulation day today but I have 0 mucus – not even any dry CM. Also, OPK shows negative the past 3 days and I am just.. sad & numb.

Just one last thing before I end this post… Why did I start this blog?

  • I just want to pen down my TTC experience without being labelled as “TRYING TOO HARD”.
  • I just want those who are in the same boat as me to know that they are not alone if they ever stumble upon this blog.
  • I also want to know that I am not alone, if there are other TTC couples who read my blog who’d leave a comment, etc.
  • I also want to blog everything here anonymously so that no one out there knows exactly how I, as a person feel because I prefer to put a strong front facing people I know.
  • I am feeling a lot of things all at once and I just wish to voice it all out here because letting others know how I feel will not really help. I have tried that approach and it really did not help at all. People will just judge and feel thankful it is not happening to them instead…. so, ya.

Some other stuff to note about me – related to TTC:

  • I have regular period – 26 to 28 day cycle with normal cramps on CD1 (only).
  • I used to have a lot of CM every cycle but the past few months, the CM seemed to have decreased tremendously. Also, I have never spotted egg white mucus during O day. Is this bad?
  • I drink lots of water everyday and do not even really drink anything else other than water.
  • I rarely fall ill – which means I am rather healthy, right?
  • BUT I AM STILL NOT PREGNANT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO 😦