Still dare to wish you are pregnant?

We attended a ceremony yesterday, a celebration for a newborn with prayers and such at a friend’s place. I last met her 3 months ago at my housewarming party but we didn’t manage to really talk. She was heavily pregnant then and I was really busy entertaining my guests. This time around, we finally sat down and chatted – with a baby bottle in her right hand and a newborn in another. & the first thing she said to me was , “Eh.. you don’t be stressed up lah.

Why do people always think of me this way? Yes, sometimes I do feel upset and bitter about not being pregnant (yet). Who wouldn’t, right? The sad part is people automatically jump into the conclusion that DH and I are super depressed about it. We are not THAT depressed (yet) so please stop. Your perception of us is driving us to that path, though.

She then continued the conversation by giving me some unsolicited advice (what’s new) and said, “You see my cousin over there? They are married for 3 years and still not pregnant. See that friend of mine who has been playing my baby the whole time? They, too, aren’t pregnant yet. Oh and yes, my sibling! After a year of trying they went to check if there’s anything wrong and as it turned out, the problem lies with the guy. Thank god IVF worked so miraculously on their first attempt. So you see, don’t worry ok? Keep calm and it will happen. What’s meant to be for you, will be“.

Please enlighten me – which part of that is supposed to make me feel better? Was I supposed to feel happier/glad that there are others in the same worrisome plight as me? Was I supposed to say “YA I KNOW RIGHT! THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, TO ALMOST EVERYONE AROUND US! LIKE, WE DEFINITELY KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS.” Was this supposed to make me feel safe or.. what? WHAT WAS IT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL? Oh and it doesn’t stop there…

Even my own pregnancy was unexpected! You know that, right? I tried for 6 months but still no BFP so I started to worry.. I then, stopped thinking about it, stopped worrying and on our 9th month, we conceived! See!“.

Erm….. all pregnancies are sort of unexpected because you are not supposed to know what your insides are doing. If you get pregnant, planned or unplanned, it will be a surprise so please, shut up.

So I decided to say something.. “I know I’m not supposed to worry and trying my best to keep calm so it will happen but I’ve read extreme stories of failed (multiple) IVF and how taxing and stressful IVF, etc are. I’m just preparing myself, you see. The injections, crazy blood work.. You know how I’m like the person who have had to see the doctor the least – like even for a fever. I have not even had any bad case of fever/flu before, I’m just getting myself mentally prepared for all these crazy medical stuff. I am just preparing myself for the worse!“.

& her reply was “HUH HAHAHHAHAHAHA AND YOU STILL DARE TO WISH YOU ARE PREGNANT?! You know there will be injections all that, right?!

o.O What? Huh? Huhhhh??? Well, I just smiled and stayed silent after that and kept playing with her baby.. & that’s it. I give up. I officially give up confiding in anyone. I’ll just really shut up from now on and mend my heart on my own. Sigh….

But no matter what, I am still so happy for you, though. Alhamdulilah.. I hope you’d enjoy every moment of being a mum and may you child grow up healthy and happy. :’) Insha Allah.

Another TWW.

& the TWW begins.. Well, I must say I am not expecting anything much now because it is sooooooo dry down there. I know it is only about 2 dpo but there are no signs whatsoever. I hope to feel something later on 6 dpo onward after implantation. But if not……… we just have try again. SIGH.

P/s: We are still not sure when is an ideal time to schedule a checkup. Everyone tells us to be patient and keep trying till we cannot try anymore. Won’t it be too late by then? 😥

Cycle 13 – Fertile mucus (finally?) or no?

It’s been awhile since I posted and to be honest, there isn’t anything much to update because everything is still the same. After a year of trying, I have learnt to just overlook everything and not be affected by every single thing. I have also learnt to shut up about not having a child and about still not being able to conceive – all these to save myself from any further heartaches/unnecessary unsolicited advice.

DH and I have been coping quite well. To be honest, it is more like masking our real feelings by just keeping quiet about it. It is our fertile week and we are still trying – just not THAT aggressively. We pray everyday that this will be our special month but if isn’t, we will just move on and deal with it.

On cycle day 8, I noticed alot of clear stretchy mucus after pee-ing and I thought that could be the excess semen or leftover pre-seed being washed out from my V so I just let it slip. It occurred again the next day as we BD-ed on both nights so I just let it slip again.

We did not BD yesternight on cycle day 14 but I noticed the same clear stretchy mucus after pee-ing. I am not sure if this is a sign of ovulation because my ovulation pee stick indicated a negative (it is NEVER positive, though!) so, I am really unsure. Nevertheless, we usually BD alot during my fertile week just in case there is a fertilized egg somewhere and somehow I could get pregnant. We shall pray hard this month because this never happened to me before – this stretchy egg-white mucus thingy – so I am really praying hard this month. Who knows, right?

On the other hand, I am worried sick this is a start to many health issues.. What if this isn’t fertile mucus and a sign of something wrong happening inside of me. I am just so negative sometimes but you can’t blame me for this, can you? It’s been a year and if I was fertile enough, we wouldn’t have to wait THIS long. SIGH.

Whatever it is, we will not be expecting much. We know the drill.

Cycle 13 – Day 2.

And so, AF came yesterday while I was sleeping so soundly on Deepavali public holiday. I detest that gush of blood that interrupted my sleep so early in the morning – on a day I was supposedly allowed to wake up a little late.

DH wasn’t home when AF started as he was on night shift and due to reach home in about 2 hours. After washing up, I texting DH while getting ready to resume my sleep:

Me: Period came. I am numb. 😦
DH: 😦 we will try again love.

SIGH. Will there be just 1 day when I text him, “OMG. Period is still not here. I’m late.” or “Should I take the test?”. When will this ever change to a happy moment for us? I just don’t know anymore.

DH came home and I refuse to wake up to have breakfast with him. At that moment, I refuse to be awake to have to accept the fact that AF is really here – that I am NOT pregnant AGAIN. I was just so sad. I woke up a few hours later while DH was napping. I cried my heart out alone in the empty living room staring at our wedding pictures that are nicely framed while listening to the sound of little kids running around at the void-deck.

When I finally stopped being a crybaby, I got up and started doing chores. DH woke up a few minutes later to help. We proceeded with life as per normal after that and that has been our life the past year – just the 2 of us, trying to be strong for and with each other :/

But we will not give up. We will NEVER give up. Insha Allah…..

Cycle 12 – 12 DPO.

Finally the last few days before this month’s final verdict. I really do not know what to expect this month but I am feeling alot of the “wet” feeling now so I guess, AF must be on her way. Also, I have been feeling some kind of twitching sensation near my hipbones a few times the past few hours.

Let’s just not expect anything and let it flow (or not). I just need to mentally prepare myself and to remind myself not to shed a tear when it appears. :’/

Edit: I just feel like jotting down my AF symptoms as I didn’t have any last month and have sort of forgotten how they felt like.
– Starting to feel some kind of “come and go” backaches.

Cycle 12 – 7 DPO.

So since there are no symptoms this month up till today, I sort of gave DH a heads up I might not be pregnant this month. I told him to keep his expectations to the lowest or brush it totally off if possible and please do not be upset or feel miserable when I inform him AF appears. And……….. he gave me sad face.

SIGH. I HATE DISAPPOINTING PEOPLE – DH, my family and my in-laws. When am I ever going to be able to give them good news? When? When? 😦

Other ex-BTBs.

Monday Blues and lesser cases at work yesterday led my itchy fingers to browse through other ex-BTBs’ blogs who got married around the same time I did to see how they are doing 8 to 12 months later. Some have moved into their new beautiful houses, some have traveled to a lot of fancy places, some are now erm, pregnant and some have given birth.

I felt a little jealous.. I wished I was one of those who are now pregnant/have given birth. 2 of the girls I know from IG who got married a week after me have both given birth to a baby boy and a baby girl. They post baby pictures almost everyday and are always mentioning how grateful they are to Allah for their little bundle of joy.

I am just numb at this point. I am seriously numb that I am no longer very sad nor am I very happy. I am just living each day, a day at a time – crazy BD-ing during our fertile week and the rest of it just praying and wishing hard and back to feeling numb. Oh well..

Not mine.

I went to a wedding last weekend and a distant cousin of mine brought her adorable baby boy with her to the event. My dad and brother who are soooooooooooooo fond of kids (of any age) immediately offered to carry the baby around. My dad approached me and asked if I want to carry the baby. I made a sad face and said ‘no’. I was trying so damn hard to suppress my tears, honestly. I maintained my cool and quickly whipped up my phone to take a selfie with the baby to divert my dad’s attention from the main issue.

My dad then said, “Why you don’t want to carry him? Just carry lah.”
I still shook my head.
He said, “Because he is not your own? It’s okay.. No pressure kan. We are not pressurizing the both of you. Just take it easy and pray. Insha Allah.”

AHHHHHHHHHH I WAS CRYING BUCKETS IN MY HEART but i couldn’t show it. Only Allah knows exactly how I was feeling and how much I wanted to just break down and cry. Well, I did eventually.. at home when I cried myself to sleep that night.

It just upsets me because I know how much my family madly adores children. My dad and younger brother never miss any chance to carry a newborn around or play with toddlers during family gatherings. They would rather do that than mingling with other grown-ups. I wished by now, I could give them mine to play with but I don’t have any so all I can do is…………. sulk and of course, pray for one. Insha Allah.