After 8 failed attempts….

DH and I got married in Dec 2014. We initially planned to wait till a year later to try to have a baby but after realizing that it was SG50 and it would be kind of nice to have a Jubilee Baby, we went on to try after our first month of being married.

Today is the last day of September 2015 which means our TTC attempts have failed 8 times since we first started. I have been told repeatedly that this blessing is all in Allah’s hands and it is Him who will decide when/if he want to bestow us this bundle of joy. I, of course do not deny that fact for I am firm believer of His faith – that everything only happens when He allows it to happen.

I have been pretty strong facing this TTC issue up till 2 weeks ago when a friend whom I had a strong feeling will be pregnant before I do, got “accidentally” pregnant. To tell you the truth, I was more than devastated. How can one get pregnant accidentally if they refuse to use protection nor is consuming birth control pills? I know this couple know nuts about fertile window, ovulation period and 2ww but I call that ignorant. If you do not want to be pregnant, you will take all the precautions you can to try not to conceive. At least, that is what I want to believe – that they are ignorant. Also, I believe this is their special rezeki from Allah and I do not want to question that anymore because it is not my place to do so. He knows best and I am happy for them. Oh, and no offence to those who still got pregnant despite taking all precaution to not conceive.

I know I sound like a sad, bitter b*itch. You are right. I am sad and bitter. This is because when I was first TTC, this was the same friend I tried to confide in. This was also THE first friend who told me I should not be trying so hard and that I need to learn to relax because it will happen when I finally let go. In my opinion, it is easy for her to say this because she don’t intend to have kids yet and did not go through what I went through. & without even trying, she got pregnant. (!!!) Wow. Of course now, she believes her theory of “relax” and “let go” works. Sigh 😦

I have not really told anyone other than DH about how I really, really feel deep inside. I cry almost every time AF appears and I cry again while I pray for a baby and I cry again when there’s a trigger, reminding me that I am still not pregnant. I am sick of crying…

Am I infertile? Will I ever be able to have a baby? Will I ever get to feel how it’s like to be pregnant? Will I ever get to use a HPT and get that tingly feeling inside when it shows a positive sign? Will the supposed baby room in our new home ever be refurnished with baby furniture? Only Allah knows. For now, all I can do is wish and pray and do everything we can to conceive. Insha Allah – with His blessing.

According to our monthly tracker app, it is supposed to be my ovulation day today but I have 0 mucus – not even any dry CM. Also, OPK shows negative the past 3 days and I am just.. sad & numb.

Just one last thing before I end this post… Why did I start this blog?

  • I just want to pen down my TTC experience without being labelled as “TRYING TOO HARD”.
  • I just want those who are in the same boat as me to know that they are not alone if they ever stumble upon this blog.
  • I also want to know that I am not alone, if there are other TTC couples who read my blog who’d leave a comment, etc.
  • I also want to blog everything here anonymously so that no one out there knows exactly how I, as a person feel because I prefer to put a strong front facing people I know.
  • I am feeling a lot of things all at once and I just wish to voice it all out here because letting others know how I feel will not really help. I have tried that approach and it really did not help at all. People will just judge and feel thankful it is not happening to them instead…. so, ya.

Some other stuff to note about me – related to TTC:

  • I have regular period – 26 to 28 day cycle with normal cramps on CD1 (only).
  • I used to have a lot of CM every cycle but the past few months, the CM seemed to have decreased tremendously. Also, I have never spotted egg white mucus during O day. Is this bad?
  • I drink lots of water everyday and do not even really drink anything else other than water.
  • I rarely fall ill – which means I am rather healthy, right?