Jaded.

Hi! How is everyone? It has been about 6 months since my last update…

A lot happened the past 6 months but no, being pregnant is not one of them. I am still kind of sad about it but for some reason, “this” is all starting to feel easy and normal. “This” referring to just DH & I in our tiny apartment living our daily carefree lives, still childless. It is obviously not what we envisioned for ourselves but I can honestly say that I have come to terms with it. I mean, I HAVE to come to terms with it at some point of time since I may have to live this way for a while – possibly, a LONG while…. Who knows?

I left my last post with my long-awaited holiday to Europe in mind. Feeling very excited, we managed to put the TTC thought aside. DH and I visited 3 cities in Mar 2016; Amsterdam, Paris and London in a span of 2 weeks and returned to Singapore feeling very refreshed. The holiday successfully distracted us from the repeated failed TTC attempts and the feeling was really great.

A few days after we got back, my parents got ready for their mini pilgrimage to the holy city. Usually, friends and families will gather at the airport to send the pilgrims off for their trip. My aunts and uncles who turned up took time to ask DH and I the standard questions – how we are doing, how our trip was and such. And then, there appeared one of my uncles who did something to trigger that dreadful “yes, I am still childless” feeling….

Please bear in mind that this same uncle and his wife have been trying to offer some kind of advice/tip ever since it occured to them that we rightfully should already be pregnant but still have not. Well, what he did was – he passed me a piece of paper with the “tip” on it. I usually will accept “tip”/advice that anyone offers as I (sort of) believe everyone who did, meant well.. BUT his tip seemed a bit ridiculous.. Also, to be frank, it felt a little bit embarrassing as we are so unsure as to why was he so eager to pass this tip along to us. Like dude, why are you so eager to help?! Just leave us alone!

Even though DH and I managed to brush that embarrassing feeling off overnight, I still couldn’t stop thinking – Why is everyone so worried about us not being pregnant yet when DH and I have so much faith that one day, god willing, it will happen naturally? Why is everyone so convinced that the stress at work and stress in TTC is the cause of all this? Why is everyone asking and asking if we’re seeking treatment?

And then, one fine day, I got fed-up just by the mere thought of another embarrassing, rhetorical question that would come our way. I felt that, if we kind of have closure knowing that medically, we are fit to have a baby then, we can keep all of these nosy people quiet for awhile and tell them – YES, WE ARE FINE BUT GOD HASN’T BESTOW US WITH THE GIFT OF A BABY YET SO SHUT IT.

We also thought, since everyone thinks that we are too stressed from work which results in failed TTC attempts AND that we are too stressed in TTC, why not just get the tests done. If all is well, we can continue trying naturally without that thought at the back of our minds thinking, “is something wrong with me?” – which could lead to stress, right?

I then, seek permission from my manager to get time off work to get a polyclinic referral for KKH. As this was going to be a long process (because I took the subsidised route), I had to embarrassingly inform my manager what was happening. She empathetically said, she was okay with me taking days off here and there to complete the whole process. And the rest…. is another long-winded story.

So, in summary – yes, DH and I have seen a proper gynae to get everything tested. And today, we finally managed to wrap it all up and received the final results to all the tests that we had to do. I shall update what happened next in my next post.

Should I feel embarrassed?

It’s been awhile since my last post in Nov 2015. There’s nothing much to update hence, the MIA.

I am just curious – for those who have been trying for over a year just like DH and I – have you ever felt embarrassed just by attending an event where all your “friends-with-kids” are present? I attended a wedding of an ex-schoolmate the past weekend and as soon as I got there, seeing all my friends happily hugging their cute little babies and some with their pregnant bellies just made me feel ashamed that I am still childless. I know they are not the kind that would be judging me – why am I still childless but just being around them made me feel uncomfortable. I felt so inadequate like I’m not good enough and something is wrong with me. Or, like I’ve sinned so much in my younger days that God is now punishing me for it. Who knows they might think of me as such a bad person and this is retribution from Him and they know it… 😥

Sigh, I just wish I could run away from here and not see anyone I know ever again but that is obviously not possible. Also, I guess I am overthinking this a little too much. I should stop. For all I know, they might not even give a damn whether I am fertile or not. But that couldn’t be the case because in my whole circle of friends, they’re just getting pregnant one after another a few months after getting married so…… I should feel weird right?

What a way to start 2016. New year, same old useless me.. still TTC. 😦

Still dare to wish you are pregnant?

We attended a ceremony yesterday, a celebration for a newborn with prayers and such at a friend’s place. I last met her 3 months ago at my housewarming party but we didn’t manage to really talk. She was heavily pregnant then and I was really busy entertaining my guests. This time around, we finally sat down and chatted – with a baby bottle in her right hand and a newborn in another. & the first thing she said to me was , “Eh.. you don’t be stressed up lah.

Why do people always think of me this way? Yes, sometimes I do feel upset and bitter about not being pregnant (yet). Who wouldn’t, right? The sad part is people automatically jump into the conclusion that DH and I are super depressed about it. We are not THAT depressed (yet) so please stop. Your perception of us is driving us to that path, though.

She then continued the conversation by giving me some unsolicited advice (what’s new) and said, “You see my cousin over there? They are married for 3 years and still not pregnant. See that friend of mine who has been playing my baby the whole time? They, too, aren’t pregnant yet. Oh and yes, my sibling! After a year of trying they went to check if there’s anything wrong and as it turned out, the problem lies with the guy. Thank god IVF worked so miraculously on their first attempt. So you see, don’t worry ok? Keep calm and it will happen. What’s meant to be for you, will be“.

Please enlighten me – which part of that is supposed to make me feel better? Was I supposed to feel happier/glad that there are others in the same worrisome plight as me? Was I supposed to say “YA I KNOW RIGHT! THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, TO ALMOST EVERYONE AROUND US! LIKE, WE DEFINITELY KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS.” Was this supposed to make me feel safe or.. what? WHAT WAS IT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL? Oh and it doesn’t stop there…

Even my own pregnancy was unexpected! You know that, right? I tried for 6 months but still no BFP so I started to worry.. I then, stopped thinking about it, stopped worrying and on our 9th month, we conceived! See!“.

Erm….. all pregnancies are sort of unexpected because you are not supposed to know what your insides are doing. If you get pregnant, planned or unplanned, it will be a surprise so please, shut up.

So I decided to say something.. “I know I’m not supposed to worry and trying my best to keep calm so it will happen but I’ve read extreme stories of failed (multiple) IVF and how taxing and stressful IVF, etc are. I’m just preparing myself, you see. The injections, crazy blood work.. You know how I’m like the person who have had to see the doctor the least – like even for a fever. I have not even had any bad case of fever/flu before, I’m just getting myself mentally prepared for all these crazy medical stuff. I am just preparing myself for the worse!“.

& her reply was “HUH HAHAHHAHAHAHA AND YOU STILL DARE TO WISH YOU ARE PREGNANT?! You know there will be injections all that, right?!

o.O What? Huh? Huhhhh??? Well, I just smiled and stayed silent after that and kept playing with her baby.. & that’s it. I give up. I officially give up confiding in anyone. I’ll just really shut up from now on and mend my heart on my own. Sigh….

But no matter what, I am still so happy for you, though. Alhamdulilah.. I hope you’d enjoy every moment of being a mum and may you child grow up healthy and happy. :’) Insha Allah.

Another TWW.

& the TWW begins.. Well, I must say I am not expecting anything much now because it is sooooooo dry down there. I know it is only about 2 dpo but there are no signs whatsoever. I hope to feel something later on 6 dpo onward after implantation. But if not……… we just have try again. SIGH.

P/s: We are still not sure when is an ideal time to schedule a checkup. Everyone tells us to be patient and keep trying till we cannot try anymore. Won’t it be too late by then? 😥

Cycle 13 – Fertile mucus (finally?) or no?

It’s been awhile since I posted and to be honest, there isn’t anything much to update because everything is still the same. After a year of trying, I have learnt to just overlook everything and not be affected by every single thing. I have also learnt to shut up about not having a child and about still not being able to conceive – all these to save myself from any further heartaches/unnecessary unsolicited advice.

DH and I have been coping quite well. To be honest, it is more like masking our real feelings by just keeping quiet about it. It is our fertile week and we are still trying – just not THAT aggressively. We pray everyday that this will be our special month but if isn’t, we will just move on and deal with it.

On cycle day 8, I noticed alot of clear stretchy mucus after pee-ing and I thought that could be the excess semen or leftover pre-seed being washed out from my V so I just let it slip. It occurred again the next day as we BD-ed on both nights so I just let it slip again.

We did not BD yesternight on cycle day 14 but I noticed the same clear stretchy mucus after pee-ing. I am not sure if this is a sign of ovulation because my ovulation pee stick indicated a negative (it is NEVER positive, though!) so, I am really unsure. Nevertheless, we usually BD alot during my fertile week just in case there is a fertilized egg somewhere and somehow I could get pregnant. We shall pray hard this month because this never happened to me before – this stretchy egg-white mucus thingy – so I am really praying hard this month. Who knows, right?

On the other hand, I am worried sick this is a start to many health issues.. What if this isn’t fertile mucus and a sign of something wrong happening inside of me. I am just so negative sometimes but you can’t blame me for this, can you? It’s been a year and if I was fertile enough, we wouldn’t have to wait THIS long. SIGH.

Whatever it is, we will not be expecting much. We know the drill.

Cycle 13 – Day 2.

And so, AF came yesterday while I was sleeping so soundly on Deepavali public holiday. I detest that gush of blood that interrupted my sleep so early in the morning – on a day I was supposedly allowed to wake up a little late.

DH wasn’t home when AF started as he was on night shift and due to reach home in about 2 hours. After washing up, I texting DH while getting ready to resume my sleep:

Me: Period came. I am numb. 😦
DH: 😦 we will try again love.

SIGH. Will there be just 1 day when I text him, “OMG. Period is still not here. I’m late.” or “Should I take the test?”. When will this ever change to a happy moment for us? I just don’t know anymore.

DH came home and I refuse to wake up to have breakfast with him. At that moment, I refuse to be awake to have to accept the fact that AF is really here – that I am NOT pregnant AGAIN. I was just so sad. I woke up a few hours later while DH was napping. I cried my heart out alone in the empty living room staring at our wedding pictures that are nicely framed while listening to the sound of little kids running around at the void-deck.

When I finally stopped being a crybaby, I got up and started doing chores. DH woke up a few minutes later to help. We proceeded with life as per normal after that and that has been our life the past year – just the 2 of us, trying to be strong for and with each other :/

But we will not give up. We will NEVER give up. Insha Allah…..

Cycle 12 – 12 DPO.

Finally the last few days before this month’s final verdict. I really do not know what to expect this month but I am feeling alot of the “wet” feeling now so I guess, AF must be on her way. Also, I have been feeling some kind of twitching sensation near my hipbones a few times the past few hours.

Let’s just not expect anything and let it flow (or not). I just need to mentally prepare myself and to remind myself not to shed a tear when it appears. :’/

Edit: I just feel like jotting down my AF symptoms as I didn’t have any last month and have sort of forgotten how they felt like.
– Starting to feel some kind of “come and go” backaches.